Piracy, Larceny, and Running Cover

With the around-the-clock ubiquity of Amazon, UPS, FedEx, and even DoorDash delivery, the most industrious opportunists among us have taken to viewing the nation’s doorsteps and stoops as help-yourself retail buffets. See a package, pick it up. In a sane world, we would call that what it is. Trespass. Theft. Larceny. You know…CRIME. But the idiotically, ideologically permissive among us have decided that it would be beneficial — and super-clever — to apply some alliterative antiseptic and re-name the thieving dirtbags porch pirates.

"AAAARGH!" 

Ain’t that great? Porch Freaking Pirates. Conjures up images of fantastic voyages on the high seas. Heroic adventures. Parrots! You've seen it. The dimwit newsreader reads the Prompter and even cracks a little smile as she does. If she were an emoji, she’d be just shrugging her stupid shoulders at the adorable monicker. It sounds like a damn game. Porch pirates aren’t scumbag dirtbag criminals stealing and re-selling high-end electronics, birthday gifts, and essential prescription medicines at the expense of honest, hard-working homeowners. Nah. They’re just guys and girls in plateless, probably stolen sedans, trolling the ‘burbs, and participating in a modern-day scavenger hunt. Fun!

Infuriating.

I'm willing to bet that a lot of these thefts are inside jobs; a driver recognizes the latest iPhone packaging or recognizes a certain rattle and tells an accomplice where and when it was delivered — with photographic evidence and abdication — to set up a swift swoop before the homeowner gets home. Add a conspiracy charge, Columbo.

Thankfully, the practice has given us a lot of hilarious YouTube content of fed-up folks creating bait packages that are left on the porch for the “pirate” and equipped with cameras and exploding packs of glue and glitter. Explain that when you get home. Some are outfit with electric shock. Others are multiple boxes, nested like Russian dolls, all empty, the last one with a simple note telling the thief what to go do with himself. Outstanding.

Porch pirates. GTFOH (as the kids say).

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But wait. There's more. The professional apologists are not done protecting dirtbags at the expense of you and me. Look to the nation’s malls for the newest fun-filled group activity, the smash-and-grab. Let’s report on a violent crime as if it’s a fucking carnival game. Shruggie shoulders throws it to the dude with the LEGO hair and he reads:

“Six masked youths entered the jeweler’s posing as customers and as one distracted the salesgirl behind the counter, the others took hammers and crowbars to the display cases, making off with an estimated $360,000 in inventory. This is the latest in a string of smash-and-grab incidents at the mall.”

Sounds almost charming. Just an incident. And there are lots of them so, no biggie.

Consider what is not being said. Nothing about the horror felt by the 19-year-old counter girl who’s working her way honestly through college while her masked, non-contributing contemporaries shatter her sense of safety and security along with the glass display cases. She was also threatened during the violent robbery so talking to the police would not be smart. They made it clear they know where she parked today. "Nice 2010 Civic, Emily."

No gives a thought to Emily. "Come on, Kev, it was just a smash-and-grab. She's fine." Nothing is reported about the business owner. This reporting is all about looping the dramatic video. “Besides,” the apologists will say, “They have insurance, who cares?" These are the same bleeding-heart frauds who double-lock their doors and set their alarms before bed. They explain that people only smash and grab or shoplift because they have to.

GFY (as the kids say).

These young entrepreneurs are not desperate and broke like Jean Valjean. They're organized, roving bands making more fencing hot electronics and designer clothes than I ever will writing a stupid blog. A lot more. I guess I'm the moron. And because theft is allowed and prosecutors don't prosecute, we all pay more for our everyday purchases. A lot more.

It’s a straight, fast line from tweaking the language to tolerance of minor offenses to living with pervasive violent crime. By sanitizing the local reporting, we enable the criminals. We diminish the victims. And we wonder why it only gets worse.

Next mouth to vomit the cutesy term teen takeover gets smacked.